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By Julie Quinn
As parents, it is sometimes hard to know when and what to tell your kids about "adult" issues.
Even adults comfortable with their own sexuality will often be tongue-tied when confronted with educating their children. Most of us remember awkward moments with our own parents, who may never have told us what we needed to know!
Kids are more sophisticated these days- they know a lot about many things- but it's not always accurate and may even be harmful. So, it's important to tell them the Facts. Just as important as what you tell them may be how and when you tell them.
Even babies will explore their own bodies; it's a pretty natural urge. Children can begin to learn the correct names for anatomy at a fairly young age (2-4) and later (4-6) can be told the very basics of physiology or how things work. For instance, a girl of 3 can be told she has a vagina. When she is a little older, 5 or 6, she can be told that that's where babies come out when she's grown up. Keep it very simple, and build on the "facts " as they get ever older. It is important to teach them that they have "private parts" that are only "for them" (and, once in awhile, a doctor) to see. Provide them with picture books to help explain the differences between boys and girls. If a younger child asks a specific (often embarrassing) question, a short direct answer is often what is best. Don't get into complex explanations unless clearly sought after.
By teaching your small children about their body, and its functions in clear language, at regular, natural intervals, it becomes easier to launch into harder subjects later. As a pre-adolescent their bodies begin to change in many ways and at various rates. Familiarize yourself with what normal puberty consists of to assist your son or daughter. Ask them if they have questions regarding changes they might be experiencing. If they don't want to discuss it, provide them with one or two books to peruse. At some point (since you've been talking about these things all their lives) they will come to you with a concern or question. Treat it with respect and seriousness, but don't overdo the attention it receives. (It's a fine line.) Offer another trusted adult to talk to if they simply cannot talk to their parents. Most questions during this time will have to do with appearance and whether or not they are different from their peers. Telling adolescents about changes they can expect can make a big difference in their anxiety level.
Before you even begin to talk about sex with your kids, I urge you to talk about relationships. Tell them; perhaps, what made initially you interested in your spouse. Ask them what they think are important characteristics for a friend and for a "mate." Talk about how we all deserve respect and to be treated well. Make up scenarios; if you were with someone you really cared for how would you show it? What would be your perfect day together? What would you do if someone intentionally, physically hurt you? How would you feel if someone you trusted said something untrue about you? Ask them, eventually what they know about sex.
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There's your segue, because most of kids know something. If they are candid, you can have a great conversation and share your feelings about what's right and what's not and what's safe (and not) for you. If they are reluctant to talk about this issue, it is still okay to say what your values are. They may need to hear them a few times. Most kids will have had "sex ed" in school, so will have an idea of the basic mechanics understood. But don't assume anything.
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When your child is engaging or about to engage in sexual activity, it's time to sit them down. Make an appointment for counseling regarding contraception. Let them know you are concerned for their health & well being. Knowledgeable medical providers are readily available for this important preventative service. If you suspect they may be considering sexual activity, but they won't discuss it with you, make sure they have access (names, addresses, phone numbers) to a clinic or doctor's office. Let them know how you feel but don't let that stop you from helping them prevent a pregnancy or serious infection.
The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology has recently adjusted its recommendation for first exams. Girls should have a gynecologic exam (and pap smear) within three years of first becoming sexually active. If they are not sexually active they should have an exam at age 21.
A vaccine effective in preventing cervical cancers is now available and studies show it to be extremely effective and safe. This vaccine, called Gardasil, is given in three doses between the ages 9 and 26. It is available through the Health Department, Ob/Gyn offices and family medicine offices, and through Munson's vaccination clinic.
Make it easier on yourself and your kids by communicating with them from the start regarding their sexual self. It will enrich you both.
Stephanie Morreale D.O. is a physician with Northwood Obstetrics & Gynecology located at 3960 W. Royal Drive in Traverse City, 231-947-0404, northwoodobgyn.com
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